People pleasing can feel like a straight jacket, a pattern so deeply ingrained since childhood that you can never free yourself to trust your own judgment and instincts. In our last post, we explored how this pattern becomes a way of life through a long series of repeated experiences when essential needs are not adequately met, beginning in early childhood and reinforced through adolescent socialization.
As adults, people pleasers may suffer in myriad ways, such as feeling unsure of identity, not having a clear sense of boundaries, fantasizing about expectations of others, and generally lacking confidence, feeling frightened or anxious, and, especially, having a very negative self-perception. Is this a permanent mode of being? Are you doomed to a life of pouring yourself out but receiving little in return, or even resignation, defeat, despair? (The answer is no!) How can you change, heal, be able to find a different way to live free of the compulsion to please others?
We’ve talked in a previous post about the process of finding a therapist. So, how does psychotherapy help people who face this dilemma? How can people pleasers actually change?
What to Expect from Psychotherapy
For every help-seeker, the issue of trust looms large, but this is especially true for people pleasers, who have felt betrayed from a very young age. Having overcompensated for parents who were unable or unwilling to provide essential emotional support and a sense of safety throughout their childhood and adolescence, people pleasers are wont to wonder, “How can I trust a complete stranger with my very life?” It’s completely understandable and expected that the process of building trust will dominate the first months of the therapeutic relationship.
Imagine what it would be like to trust someone to whom you could say anything—the most heinous, ugly and shameful things you have ever thought, done or said. The listener doesn’t take offense, doesn’t reject or criticize you, doesn’t abandon you. You know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your revelations will be kept private, valued for the meaning they have for you, and understood as a great measure of the unassailable assurance you feel in this relationship. This is the goal of a healthy therapeutic relationship.
Frankly, it is rare for anyone to have someone like this in your daily life. Even spouses, best friends and parents—all human, all imperfect—stumble. But as you move forward with your therapist, it is normal to be constantly assessing each exchange, judging if it strengthens or weakens your sense of whether this new person will be a uniquely trustworthy individual.
Sound familiar? The process is nearly identical to what we experience in our first weeks and months of life. How long it takes will depend on the degree of untrustworthiness of those around you in early life. But the ability to feel safe with someone else is essential to developing a relationship in which the real self will appear.
Particularly for the person entrenched in pleasing others, the very patterns that began in infancy and beyond land squarely in this new relationship (as they are replicated in all relationships): “Do I have to try to please this person, too?”
This struggle is at the crux of trying to change. The question is turned and tested over and over again in the therapeutic setting. Trust must come first, providing a solid foundation from which to acknowledge and explore every pain, disappointment, shock, horror and agony that has made life feel so intolerable.
Deeply Ingrained Habits and Perceptions Take Time to Change
As you work with your therapist to establish a trusting relationship, don’t be surprised if there are bumps along the way. In fact, the only way to know that you’re really safe is through the incremental process of working through those bumps, negotiating your relationship together. Any feelings of brokenness that are exemplified in the treatment bond are also an opportunity for that experience to turn out differently than your past experience would dictate.
Here’s another thing to remember: Most of us are uncomfortable outside our normal zone of social exchange. Therapy, by its nature, stirs things up. Many people feel extremely nervous or anxious when beginning treatment. You may feel vulnerable or threatened if your therapist questions long-held beliefs. Or you may feel as if your mind is blank, that you have nothing to say. As you stay the course, establishing a safe and trusting connection, you will be able to reach the next layer of the therapeutic relationship—self-reflection.
Self-reflection involves turning attention to what’s going on inside, all those sensations, thoughts and processes that are present all the time but rarely acknowledged. Most of us don’t spend much time on calm, non-judgmental introspection, with all the distractions of modern life. But this is where the real growth takes place. Once we become aware of all the assumptions and long-held narratives that have been guiding our perceptions and influencing our feelings, the fuzziness will begin to clear. There is room to identify, clarify, modify, correct. There is new space for self-compassion and newfound empathy for others.
There is no simple, easy answer for a people pleaser, of course, and life is continually shaped by daily experiences, learning, and evolving attitudes. But the work of countless theorists, psychologists, psychiatrists, and other therapists is built upon the premise that, yes, you can change and live a more fulfilling life. I welcome you and invite you to take this first, courageous step.
Dr. Donald Schiermer, MD, PhD, MPH, is a family physician and clinical psychologist with decades of experience in clinical practice and psychopharmacology. He provides compassionate counseling and comprehensive medication oversight to help you reclaim a hopeful, fulfilling life. Contact Dr. Schiermer today to schedule your appointment.
Image Credit: Mohamed Nohassi